Family jokes

My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

Q: Why did the father throw butter out the window?

A: He wanted to see a butterfly.

Yo mama is so skinny, she uses floss as toilet paper.

I gave an orphan an iPhone X for a reason.

It doesn’t have a home button.

I tried making an orphan baseball team. It sucked because they couldn’t find home plate.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was an amazing pilot.

Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher asked, "How many of you guys are Trump fans?" Since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands, well, except Little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "Why are you being different again, Johnny?" So Little Johnny says, "Well, because I'm a Democrat. My mom is a Democrat, and my dad is a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat!" So then the teacher responds with, "Well, what if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Well, Little Johnny says, "A Trump fan!"

Your momma is so dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.

So, I text my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: "Not again brother, I'm only 8."

Yo mama so dumb, she stuck a battery up her butt and said, "I have the power."

Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse. Will you help Jack off a horse?

When your grandma says she's rusty but still manages to teach you.

What did the knight say to his younger brother? "Good night."

You expected a silly pun there, didn't you? That's pretty rude. It makes light of the struggles of being a knight. Especially a good knight.

Why can’t orphanage kids play baseball?

Cause they don’t know where home is.

When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"

Mom: Daddy, stop!

Me: No!

Mom: Ok, I just wanted you to do it like your father.

Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.

My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.

My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.