Family Jokes

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?

Get out of my son!

Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.

Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.

I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."

I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.

Good luck getting her out

A photo taken from above shows a dark body of water shaped like a person with arms and legs spread, with the text "So sorry to hear about your mom's skydiving accident." above and below the image.

Your mother is so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven when she died. jaja ur momma dead.

Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"

He waited for three hours to get an answer.

His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."

For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.

Your mama is so fat that she took a picture at Christmas, and it's still downloading.

Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.

Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"

If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

Why do the orphans love going to the bakery down the street so much? Because their cookies are homemade.

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.