Dark humor is like parents, not everybody gets it.
Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?
Me: Nah, not really.
Friend: What did they feel like?
Me: 7th grade.
Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨
What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?
You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.
A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."
A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."
<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*
Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."
I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...
I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.
The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.
It was a touching story.
I banged a German chick one time. I tried anal and asked her to rate the experience. She kept yelling "9! 9! 9!"
Little Johnny tried phone sex, but the holes were too small.
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?
A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
"Did you go to the light show?"
"Yeah, it was lit."
Life is like a film; it goes on, but you can cut at any time.
It's better being depressed and suicidal than being happy, know why? Happiness never lasts forever.
i raped a dog. When asked how her experience was, she said ruff
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.
I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.
