Expectation jokes

I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

What did the knight say to his younger brother? "Good night."

You expected a silly pun there, didn't you? That's pretty rude. It makes light of the struggles of being a knight. Especially a good knight.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

No one.

No one who?

...

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

Once there were three girls taking a walk in the mountains. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and the other was a dumb blonde. They came to a cliff and the brunette said, "If you jump off that cliff and say what you want to be you will become it." So the brunette jumped off and said "falcon" and became a falcon. The redhead jumped off and said "eagle" and became an eagle. The dumb blonde ran, was about to jump, but tripped on a rock, and said "crap."

Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"

Are you my fish? Because you're supposed to be dead.

What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?

The back of my hand.

Four men were asked if they could have something with their cousin for €500.

The first replied: "For 500€? Of course!"

The second said: "I'd do it for free!"

The third replied: "I would even give her 200€!"

The fourth replied: "With my ex? Never!"

Hey, wanna hear a joke?

Yeah, me too.

Roses are red, violets are blue, she is hot, but you're as ugly as poo.

What does a 90 year old's pussy taste like?

Depends...

Knock knock.

Who is there?

WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!

*WARNING* THIS WILL NEVER GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD - READ IF YOU DARE.....

What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Which came first? The color orange or the fruit?

Who taught the first ever teacher?

If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected expected?

If you describe something as 'indescribable', then haven't you already described it?

In the word 'scent', is the silent letter the 's' or the 'ce'?

Why do your lips touch when they say the word 'separate', but don't touch when you say the word 'together'?

How many photos do you think you could be in the background of?

The guy who discovered cow milk, what was he doing with that cow?

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, "Oh no, it's a cop"?

Is it possible to cry underwater?

If two left handers have an argument, who is right?

I warned you!! You just didn't listen.... :O

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy, but in the end, Jack got a face full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.