Expectation Jokes

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."

Me: Have you ever went sky diving?

Friend: No.

Me: Well don't, it sucks.

Friend: Why?

Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.

I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.

But when you do, people scream and run away.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. "One more picture and I'll jump." He takes another photo and shuts the window. "I can't jump, you're not supposed to throw trash out the window."

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.

A woman went out on a date and said, “I’m thirty-one with the body of a sixteen-year-old.” The man responded, “Wanna show me? 😏” The woman took him back to her house and opened her freezer and said, “Take a look.”

The three unwritten rules of life:

1. 2. 3.

One day the teacher said, "There are 3 birds on a wire, a shooter shoots one. How many are left?" The teacher calls on lil Johnny. "None," the teacher said, "no but try again." Lil Johnny says, "None, because if you shoot one the rest get scared and leave." The teacher said, "Not quite, but I like the way you think."

Lil Johnny then says, "Alright teacher, I have one for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench, one's sucking it, the other is licking it, and the last one is biting it. Which one is married?" The teacher then says, "The one sucking it, of course!" Lil Johnny then says, "No, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think!"