I’m not a weatherman, but I’m expecting a few more inches tonight.
A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.
Yeah, that was the punchline.
If I grew a nanometer taller for every 2/10 woman expecting a 6’3”+ guy, I would be considered attractive.💀
When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”
What is white and 9 inches?
Nothing.
Why don’t Asians get stung by bees?
Because they are always expected to get “A’s.”
They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.
They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.
A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:
"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"
Fat people should expect big things when they take their shirt off.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
A guy and a woman are walking into a forest. The woman says she is lonely. The guy then says, "Don't worry, there will be a third person in a little while."
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
Women be like don't tell me what to wear, proceeds to tell men what to wear.
1979: I bet there will be "flying cars" in "the future."
2019: The flying cars future.
What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?
They both got a 10% survival rate...
One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!
What did one skeleton say to another? . . . . ...nothing... they are dead... what did you expect?
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
Roses are red, chocolate is brown,
I expect nothing and still get let down!
Teacher: What’s 2+2?
Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh
Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.
