Dont jokes

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

Why don’t some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don’t work out.

"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"

"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.

I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.

Sister: I don't want to do it, but...

Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.

🎆 New Year's Eve

Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"

Mom👱🏻‍♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"

Dad👨🏻‍🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"

Got a job at the library yesterday... It lasted fifteen minutes... Turns out books about women's rights don't belong in the fiction section.

What’s the difference between broccoli and little girls?

I don’t like the taste of broccoli.

Don't do suicide, that shit kills.

Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa? Cause they make the toys.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

Why do orphans miss half their basketball season? Cause they don't have home games.

Uranus is larger than Neptune, but Neptune is more massive/heavier. (Fact not joke, also Neptune, don't kill me!)

What did one butthole say to the other?

"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

What's a tower's favorite bagel? I don't know, but it ain't plain.

Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.