Dont jokes
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
What's a tower's favorite bagel? I don't know, but it ain't plain.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
Miss Drake, can I go to the bathroom? I need to piss.
"Billy, we don't say piss. We say urinate. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Miss Drake."
"Very well. Now use the word urinate in a sentence."
"Miss Drake, urinate, but if you had any tits you'd be a ten."
me when i realized that buildings don't make earth any heavier cuz all the materials were already used on it.
When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.
Got a job at the library yesterday... It lasted fifteen minutes... Turns out books about women's rights don't belong in the fiction section.
Don't do suicide, that shit kills.
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don’t work out.
Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.
What’s the difference between broccoli and little girls?
I don’t like the taste of broccoli.
🎆 New Year's Eve
Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"
Mom👱🏻♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"
Dad👨🏻🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"
Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa? Cause they make the toys.
I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.
What did one butthole say to the other?
"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"
Sister: I don't want to do it, but...
Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
Uranus is larger than Neptune, but Neptune is more massive/heavier. (Fact not joke, also Neptune, don't kill me!)
Why do orphans miss half their basketball season? Cause they don't have home games.