Dont jokes

What did one butthole say to the other?

"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"

"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.

Don't do suicide, that shit kills.

What’s the difference between broccoli and little girls?

I don’t like the taste of broccoli.

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

What's a tower's favorite bagel? I don't know, but it ain't plain.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.

The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."

Why don’t Asians use phones?

Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!

So, two kids argued and insulted each other.

KID 1: "Your dad left because he didn't want you, so why don't you kill yourself?"

KID 2: "Well, your dad already killed himself because he didn't want you."

Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"

Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."

We don't read backwards.

What’s the difference between football and rape?

Women don’t like football.

what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?

I don't bowl.