Dont jokes
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.
What did one slave owner say to the other slave owner when he couldn’t find his slave?
Don’t worry, I’ll rope him in.
Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.
You have a father figure.
Why are Black women dating white men?
So their kids don’t have to worry about not meeting their father.
I don’t understand why Christians are so against body piercings. Didn’t Jesus have four?
What’s the difference between dark jokes and cotton?
Some people don’t pick it.
Why can’t orphans have phones?
Because it has a home button.
Why don’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t get a home run.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the patriarchy.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.
I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.
Simply because they look up to me.
What do orgasms and impulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
Why are orphans so bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house looks like.
I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.
Why don't you have a life?
Because you're ugly.
Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don’t work out.
Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?
Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.
I really used to be into emo chicks. Now they just don't make the cut.