Doesnt jokes
Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"
Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. He holds air hostage.
Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
Why couldn't the annoying dog get on Papyrus's nerves?
HE'S A SKELETON. HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY.
Guys, I know how to stop racism. Delete the word "racism." People can't be something that doesn't exist.
What is the difference between your dad and a video game?
Your dad doesn’t beat you.
I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.
Because obviously she doesn’t listen.
Sister: You're so stupid.
Me: Calling me stupid doesn't make you any smarter!
Anybody who doesn't like Pepsi is a Coke-sucker!
What do you call an Indian that doesn’t smell?
Asif
Time flies by, doesn’t it?
But the plane in 9/11 didn’t.
A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."
So I replied, "No, it doesn't."
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo?
A. The pizza doesn't cut itself.
What do you do when your man doesn't like fruit jokes?
Let the mango.
Why doesn't Newton cut trees in vanilla Minecraft? Because he wants Minecraft to be realistic!
Doesn't having depersonalization mean that you're like the animatronics off of FNAF/Five Nights at Freddy's?
(If you don't know what depersonalization is, look it up.)
Your mom's so fat, she doesn’t need internet, she’s already world wide.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Bill Gates? One stands, the other doesn't.