Doctor Jokes

Midget Widget
in Puns

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away… it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.

Anonymous
in Uranus

Patient to doctor "will I be ok Doc?" Doctor:"I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now" Patient: "I dont do that astrology stuff" Doctor:“Nor me. My thermometer just broke”

Madison R.

Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills.

Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

Anonymous

Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what’s the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you sense yesterday

5
Anonymous

When I was born the doctors said , “it’s a boy!” Then when they went to cut the embilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said , “OH, It’s a girl.”

Jake Paul

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

5
Thomas

I go into get a prostate exam, I’m nervous but the doctor says its all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside , feeling for abnormalities.

That’s when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

Stalin

So theres a orphan in a hospital and the doctor walks up and says “sorry kid but this is a family hospital”

5
A dirty minded freak.
in Woman

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son “Come on Dick, lets go.”

Anonymous

Patient: I’m starting to forget things Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?

Anonymous

A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’ The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’ And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’

Anonymous

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

7
JAsInJoel

Person: ‘Doctor, doctor I’ve only got 50 seconds to live’

Doctor: ‘Just give me a minute’

Anonymous

Patient: “Doctor my bottom hurts” Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” Patient: “Right around the entrance” Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance it will hurt”

Bethanie
in Death

Doctor: you don’t have long to live. 10… Patient: ten what? ten years, ten months? Doctor: 9… 8… 7…

Anonymous
in Brother

So i was sitting with my little brother and talk about our dreams. “What do you wanna be when you grow up?” I asked him. He answered “A doctor!”. I wanted to tease him so i said “I wouldn’t be treated by a doctor like you”. I was hoping he would get mad or something but instead, he calmly replied “Brother, i said doctor. Not a vet”

Mils

An apple a day keeps a doctor away… at least if you throw it hard enough

Anonymous

Doctor: You’re as healthy as a horse! Jimmy: That’s great! Doctor: A horse with cancer.

0
Anonymous
in Puns

Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE! Doctor: sit down for a minute.

Like this

A women just went through laber,she ask the doctor"was it a healthy delivery"the doctor replies"it wasn’t delivery,it’s digiorno"