Doctor Jokes

I am still trying to figure out why paying the covid doctors a complement is so offensive. They even kicked me out and all I said was to stay positive...

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.

Patient to doctor "will I be ok Doc?" Doctor:"I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now" Patient: "I dont do that astrology stuff" Doctor:"Nor me. My thermometer just broke"

Patient: I'm starting to forget things Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?

Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what's the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I've been trying to contact you sense yesterday

When I was born the doctors said , “it’s a boy!” Then when they went to cut the embilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said , “OH, It’s a girl.”

Patient: “Doctor my bottom hurts” Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” Patient: “Right around the entrance” Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance it will hurt”

I go into get a prostate exam, I'm nervous but the doctor says its all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside , feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

doctor: what's your zodiac sign?

patient: cancer?

doctor: what a coincidence

A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’ The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’ And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to. He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny" He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy" Then the third one whispers to her son "Come on Dick, lets go."

the doctor gave me one year to live, so i shot him with my gun. the judge gave me 15 years. problem solved!

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labour, the doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father, they agree so the machine is used, 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not felling anything, 100%, nothing. The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

Person: 'Doctor, doctor I've only got 50 seconds to live'

Doctor: 'Just give me a minute'

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

So theres a orphan in a hospital and the doctor walks up and says "sorry kid but this is a family hospital"

An apple a day keeps the doctor away… Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough....🥵🤣

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

So i was sitting with my little brother and talk about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered "A doctor!". I wanted to tease him so i said "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you". I was hoping he would get mad or something but instead, he calmly replied "Brother, i said doctor. Not a vet"

A women just went through laber,she ask the doctor"was it a healthy delivery"the doctor replies"it wasn't delivery,it's digiorno"