Doctor jokes

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

Q: Why was the 4 year old anti-vaxer crying?

A: He was in a mid-life crisis.

Why can't people in Africa have medicine?

Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.

What's breakdancing, twitching, and noisy?

A child with epilepsy.

What do you call a doctor in Panera Bread?

Panera Med.

My back is straighter than I am, and I literally have scoliosis.

Sally had 69 boobs, which was 222 many, 69,222. So she went to the doctor on 51st street, 69,222,51, who gave her pills. She took them 8 times a day, and now she is boobless.

What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?

A fizzician.

Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.

Doc: What's wrong with that?

Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!

You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."

How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?

It's only got 10 hours to live.

A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."