Doctor jokes
What do a doctor and a girlfriend/boyfriend have in common?
They both break your heart.
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
What is the difference between a thief and a doctor?
The thief knows what you have!
A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."
What's breakdancing, twitching, and noisy?
A child with epilepsy.
The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."
The doctor says, "Next, please."
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
What job lets you kill the most people?
An abortion doctor.
Why was the North Tower a bad doctor when the South Tower collapsed?
Because the North Tower didn’t do CPR.
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
Why did the ball person go to the doctor?
He was kicked in the balls.
A hand of Pepsi murdered a Coca Cola. An innocent Sprite yelled, "Quick! Call Dr. Pepper!"
Eventually, a 7-Up called Dr. Pepper. The Coca Cola was fine.
A "type person" is addicted to eating sugar.
When the doctor saw this, he said,
"From Type 2 Diabetes!"
Get it?
I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.
I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't read. They showed me a picture of a birthday cake and I thought it was a menorah!
Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.