Doctor jokes

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

What do you call a doctor in Panera Bread?

Panera Med.

Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.

Doc: What's wrong with that?

Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.

My back is straighter than I am, and I literally have scoliosis.

What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?

A fizzician.

Sally had 69 boobs, which was 222 many, 69,222. So she went to the doctor on 51st street, 69,222,51, who gave her pills. She took them 8 times a day, and now she is boobless.

Why can't people in Africa have medicine?

Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

What's breakdancing, twitching, and noisy?

A child with epilepsy.

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!

You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."

I wanted to get brain surgery.

I changed my mind.