Doctor Jokes

Man

Anonymous
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So a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

Death

Bethanie
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Doctor: you don't have long to live. 10... Patient: ten what? ten years, ten months? Doctor: 9... 8... 7...

Suck

Charles
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Two men are in a rainforest and one of them is peeing. Suddenly a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “ Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!”. He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out. The man wen back to the other man and said, “ There is no hope, you will die.”

6

Puns

Overwatch_Gamer321
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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

Puns

Big man John
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Person: I broke my arm in three places

Doctor: well don’t go to those three places then.

Animal

Anonymous
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What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? -- For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

Madness

Dante Medori
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When does a doctor get mad?

When he runs out of patients!

Feather

daJazzman@trannet
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So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child. Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," say Satan. "What is it?" The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl." Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?" The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."

0

Enough

Mils
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An apple a day keeps a doctor away....... at least if you throw it hard enough

Ball

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One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Woman

Anonymous
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A woman comes to the doctors an says ‘doctor, I think I have cancer’ the doctor checks it out ‘it’s all in your head’ the doctor says ‘phew’ said the woman, ‘a bunch of tumors, all in your head’

0

Woman

Anonymous
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A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’

5

Depression

Anonymous
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I'm a Model. my doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram. (Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

Orphan

King of Furries
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Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away. Orphan: But why? Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

Depression

Greengrass
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Doctor : what makes you feel depressed? Me: seeing others happy Doctor : ok so what makes you happy? Me: seeing stupid people in misery or agony Doctor: Well that's rather sadistic. Me: well statistically one in two doctors have fingerd a child... Doctor: do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy? Me: there's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

Michael Jackson

Hospital
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Michael Jakson gets really ill so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there he says 'am i in heaven?' The doctor replies 'Nah sir we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward.'

Man

Arch Stanton
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Asian man goes to the eye doctor. Doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract." Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

Forehead

Anonymous
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You’re forehead so big when you were being born the doctors thought you had no face

Blood Type

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Whats the most optimistic blood type... B+ What deisse causes wrinkled clothes... an iron deficiency

Men

#emo4life
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DARK ALERT******** a girl went 2 the doctor the doctor said she had 1yr to live she shot the doctor and the judge gave her 15 yrs. DARK ALERT********