Doctor jokes

Doctor: Congratulations!!!

Woman: Was it a successful delivery?

Doctor: No, it’s DiGiorno!

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.

You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.

A book went to the doctor’s office and said: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got thesaurus throat ever.”

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.

Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.

Lil Jimmy: Why?

Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.

Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

An orphan goes to a doctor.

Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

Orphan: "But why?"

Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

Kid at Wish: I wish I could be Batman.

Doctor: Okay, shoots mum and dad. Doctor: I guess now you’ll have to be gay, you wanted to be like Batman.

Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.

Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.