Doctor jokes
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
What do you call a cat with a live in doctor?
An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.
Why did the ball person go to the doctor?
He was kicked in the balls.
Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.
I asked an angel, "How did I die?"
"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."
"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"
A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”
Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
Why did the Polish urologist cut his cock off with a knife?
To take care of his erectile dysfunction.
Doctor: I will deliver the baby right away.
Dad: I would like the baby to have a liver.
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?
A fizzician.
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
Asian kid: I’m not a doctor, and I’m not good at math.
Me: That’s what I call an orphan!
When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is,
You respond: "cancer."
Doctor says: "Well, what a coincidence!"
My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.
My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!
One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.
Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"
Doctor: Congratulations!!!
Woman: Was it a successful delivery?
Doctor: No, it’s DiGiorno!
My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"
"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."
The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"
The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."
"What about the boy?" the woman asked.
The doctor said, "Denephew."
Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.