Death jokes

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stopped the emo.

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!

You know what an emo gets for his birthday? A rope.

Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.

I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

Japanese people are so cool and organized, they have their own ways of suicide.

You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.

Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!