Death jokes

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?

"One, he killed himself."

What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

What’s the difference between an Indian and Jewish person?

An Indian person is burnt after death.

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?

Chocolate drops.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.

Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.

How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stopped the emo.

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

what was Juice WRLD before he was famous?

Answer: alive.

What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?

They both died at 95.

What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!