Death jokes

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

Suicide is the way to get even with the bitch called probability.

What’s the difference between an Indian and Jewish person?

An Indian person is burnt after death.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stopped the emo.

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!

You know what an emo gets for his birthday? A rope.

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.

I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.