Death

Death jokes

Emo

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stopped the emo.

Life Support

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Timer

You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.

Job

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

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  • Memes

    Susie

    Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didnโ€™t have any arms.

    Knock, knock. Whoโ€™s there? Not lil Susie.

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  • School shooting

    I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I donโ€™t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "whatโ€™s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kidโ€™s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parentโ€™s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

    Organ Donor

    My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.

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  • Cheat

    A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

    The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

    The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

    Baby

    How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

    A blender.

    How do you get them out?

    A straw.

    Paradox

    You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.

    Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.

    Urn

    I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

    Incest

    So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

    When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

    "Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

    Then it clicked.

    "Ah, so that's how you died."

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  • Baby

    So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesnโ€™t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

    Grandma

    What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

    What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

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