Death jokes

What's the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish? 15 seconds.

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.

Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.

How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?

There's brains all over the place.

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stopped the emo.

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

what was Juice WRLD before he was famous?

Answer: alive.

What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?

They both died at 95.

You know what an emo gets for his birthday? A rope.

What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.

I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."