Death jokes
What is the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?
Betty didn’t reach 100 before she died.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck if my computer crashes.
Why did Kayla go to the river when she was sad?
To drown herself.
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
What's worse than ten dead babies nailed to one tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.
May he rest in pizza.
Why'd the orphan cross the road? He was told his parents were on the other side.
Why did the depressed kid cross the road?
To get hit by a car.
I started crying when my dad cut up onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?
My dick!
How do you know your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.