Death jokes
I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and then give her blood so she can bleed more.
What’s the worst thing to happen to an orphan?
Well, they weren’t always orphans.
Orphan: Help, I'm lost.
Someone: Wears your parents.
Orphan: >:(
What's the difference between Captain Morgan and Amy Winehouse?
Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke.
What did Kobe Bryant and Josef Vanicek have in common?
They both won a trophy at least once, Vanicek a 1x Stanley Cup champion with the Carolina Hurricanes, and they also both crashed and burned in a helicopter or airplane.
What did Josef Vasicek think before the plane hit the ground?
"Oh shit, is my name still on the Stanley Cup?"
What do you call someone who is in an airplane crash who was a 2006 Stanley Cup champion with the Carolina Hurricanes?
Josef Vasicek.
I have a friend who doesn't have a dad.
He says: "You're useless, go to hell!"
Me: "Wait, why do you want me to join your dad?"
What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?
"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"
I want to make another joke about Josef Vasicek, but I think if I make the NHL, I'll die in an airplane crash, so I won't risk it again.
Why was Josef Vasicek a Stanley Cup champion in 2006?
Because you know who was jealous and he went down in 2020.
What did the people do to the deceased after tests?
They bari-um.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"
I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"
P.l.a.n.e.
Precious lord, are nonbelievers evil?
Why can't ghosts stay happy? Because they are too skeletal.
There's a plane crash. Every single person died.
Who lived? The married people!
I'm never going bungee jumping because a cord bridged me into the world. It's not taking me out.
Teacher: I was an orphan when I was younger.
Student: Oof.
Teacher: Is anyone not here?
Student: Yes, your parents.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To become roadkill.