Death jokes
My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot I have ever seen, though.
What's the difference between Jordan and George Floyd? Jordan had air.
I was eating this girl out the other day and I tasted horse semen... I looked up at the girl and said “that’s how you died, grandma!”
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
Two skeletons meet at the graveyard at noon.
"What the heck are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep."
I asked an orphan where his parents were.
(God, I wish I knew)
Which is redder: a baby or a red car? It depends on how the baby was killed!
What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.
Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."
How many dead babies does it take to paint my room?
It depends how many bullets you have.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight? When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
What does a condom and a coffin have in common?
They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.
What were Michael Jackson's last words? "Take me to the children's hospital."
A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.
A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to jump!"
The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"
The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."
Anonymous 1: Why are you crying?
Anonymous 2: No, buddy, come to my finral.
I didn't steal it. 🌚
The "P" in Batman stands for parents.
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
One day an orphan threw a boomerang, but it came back, just like its parents.
What do you call someone who is in an airplane crash who was a 2006 Stanley Cup champion with the Carolina Hurricanes?
Josef Vasicek.