Death jokes

Why did Kenny die?

Was he trying to kill himself? Was he just dicking around?

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

I left my boots on in the river, and I drowned.

What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?

It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?

Cot death.

Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?

Because he was blowing up at work. 💀😈

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

How do pigs kill themselves?

They commit Kermit-cide.

What do you call a skeleton that does nothing all day?

A lazy bones!

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'

If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?

What did Kobe say to the helicopter?

"Don't crash!"

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

What's the difference between Rorochan and skydivers?

One does it for the cash, the other for the views.

I don't like them white, pale, always talking about death EMO kids!

Sorry, I meant CHEMO kids.

What happened to the chicken when he crossed the road? He didn't. He got run over by a truck.

I was going to charge my phone, so I pulled a plug and put it in. Then, my grandpa wasn't breathing anymore.

Kobe: "Don't crash!"

Helicopter: *Crashes*