Death jokes
What's the difference between Captain Morgan and Amy Winehouse?
Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke.
What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?
"Windows shut down sound."
Teacher: Tim, where are your parents? It's been 15 minutes!
Tim (Orphan): Yeah um, they can't come.
Teacher: Why not?
Tim: They're too busy working in heaven.
What's the difference between Jordan and George Floyd? Jordan had air.
Why can't ghosts stay happy? Because they are too skeletal.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words before he died: "Is that a real chainsaw?"
There's a plane crash. Every single person died.
Who lived? The married people!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To become roadkill.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"
Are you dead? Because you look like my dog.
P.l.a.n.e.
Precious lord, are nonbelievers evil?
I'm never going bungee jumping because a cord bridged me into the world. It's not taking me out.
Look, it's the dead center of town!
Do you know how to make a plumber cry?
Kill his family.
Teacher: I was an orphan when I was younger.
Student: Oof.
Teacher: Is anyone not here?
Student: Yes, your parents.
Who were the fastest readers? 9/11 victims. They went through 95 stories in 10 seconds.
What are they going to say about Tim Gunn in 20 years?
He kicked the bucket.
They say that "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," but I find it a lot easier to go through the ribcage.
Mufasa is proof that cats don't always land on their feet.
What did the people do to the deceased after tests?
They bari-um.