Death jokes

My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.

Q. What's Terri Schiavo's favorite movie?

A. The Purge.

Who are the fastest readers ever? 9/11 victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.

In 9/11, people were dying for the pizza. But it was at the bottom, so they had to die for it literally.

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she died by a flying brick!

I don't like them white, pale, always talking about death EMO kids!

Sorry, I meant CHEMO kids.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.

Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?

There, there, over there, and over here too.

My bro’s parents died, but he didn’t know why.

Turns out they died because he was a failure, and he would be going to an orphanage in 4 days.

The death of JFK must have splattered on the news.

What do you call a skeleton that does nothing all day?

A lazy bones!

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

Beethoven composed his whole life.

What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

Bored? Run over an orphan with your car! What are they going to do, tell their nonexistent parents?

Why did Stephen Hawking die so soon?

Because his misses bought the wrong batteries.

October 1, 2017 is when the Mandalay Bay became the Mandalay spray. Thank Steve for that.

I left my boots on in the river, and I drowned.

What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?

It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.