Death Jokes

Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?

A: Her dead fetus.

I finally got my wife to shut up.

Who knew all I had to do was bury her alive all these years, ha! Try telling me to get my feet off the couch now, Karen!

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman? No, seriously, why can't she drive? Because she's dead.

Kill yourself!

My mom died.

A person in a hospital bed surrounded by a vast array of medical equipment, including monitors, tubes, and pumps. Text overlay reads: "religious people will see this and say 'He's in God's hands now'". A watermark in the lower left says "@anti_theist_v1.0".

You know Sally? She's dead now.

Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.

I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

What's the difference between a sports car and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a sports car in my garage.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken was in 666 pieces after being molested by Gerard brutally with a rail gun covered in spears covered in his lymph. His beak was ripped open and shoved in his feet after glass shards were shoved into his eyes until they came out the other side. His feet were nailed to the ground.

What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?

My penis.

What's the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday...

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

because skeletons aren't alive and can't move, so it's impossible for him to cross the road.

Ugh, don't you just hate it when you're having sex and your parents walk in the room and say, "No more dead babies for your mister, we are running low!"