Death jokes
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
Hey, yesterday I played with my sister. When I woke up, she was gone.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He had no balls to do it.
What do fire and people have in common?
They will both eventually die out.
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
What do you call a nine year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
If just Africa had more mosquito nets, millions of innocent mosquitoes could be saved from a horrible death of AIDS.
There were three men, and two of them died.
The last man alive said, "That's two less mouths to feed!"
We finally have something in common with Africa. They die of starvation, we die of overeating.
Should I kill the main character's best friends in my book? It's an autobiography.
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman? No, seriously, why can't she drive? Because she's dead.
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
Why did Queen Elizabeth II die? She forgot to heal after all those storms.
I remember my grandfather's last words:
"Are you holding the ladder?"
Did you hear about the pervert who couldn't decide whether he was into incest or necrophilia?
He killed his mom and then fucked her.
I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.
Why did the cat cross the road?
To die.
Bored? Run over an orphan with your car! What are they going to do, tell their nonexistent parents?
Friend 1: Did you?
Depressed friend 2: I didn't!
Friend one: Swear on your life!
Depressed friend 2: I swear.
A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.
So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.
He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.