Death jokes
What do Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker have in common?
They both died at 95.
Q: Why is the graveyard so noisy? A: Because all the coffin.
If you don't get it, it means because of people coughing.
A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."
The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"
What do suicidal people and apples have in common?
They both hang from trees.
Knock knock.
Who's there? It's the Grim Reaper.
Grim Reaper who?
The Grim Reaper who is about to come in your house, smoke some weed, drink some Grim Reaper liquor, and then get drunk.
It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.
Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face...
Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.
Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
Stephen Hawking died because his WiFi ran out.
What's worse than 2 dead babies in a trash bin? Two babies in one trash bin.
What were Princess Diana's last words?
Have you been Dri...?
I guess you can say he xxxpired.
How do you know an orphan is lying? When they swear on their mother's life.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
They finally released the audio recording from the black box in Kobe’s helicopter.
Apparently when the helicopter caught fire, Kobe was sitting right next to the only fire extinguisher. You could hear everyone screaming for him to put out the fire, but he couldn’t figure out how to use it. They begged and pleaded for him to give the extinguisher to anyone else... the last thing you hear is Kobe saying “I’d rather die than pass it!”
Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa!
Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?
Child: I just felt like it.
The next day, the Grandpa is dead.
Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.
Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma.
Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?
Child: I just felt like it.
The next day, the Grandma is dead.
Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.
Child: Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy!
Dad: Oh no. If I survive until tomorrow, everything will be okay!
Survives until tomorrow.
Dad: Whew! That was nice! *Goes to house*
Mom: Honey! I was so worried about you! The mailman just dropped dead on our porch!
(If you don't get it, the mailman is the biological father)