Death jokes

How did Stephen Hawking die?

Somebody threw an EMP at him.

Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face...

Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.

Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.

I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.

He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.

If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.

Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.

What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

They don’t hang themselves.

In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.

How to make an orphan die?

Tell them to yell until their folks come home.

Guy 1: How far are we going?

Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

What's the difference between Kobe Bryant and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only 2 13-year-olds went down on Kobe's helicopter.

Like a shooter says, "I put the fun in funeral!"

What's a suicide bomber's biggest fear?

Dying alone.

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

Stephen Hawking died because his WiFi ran out.

What were Princess Diana's last words?

Have you been Dri...?

What's worse than 2 dead babies in a trash bin? Two babies in one trash bin.

I guess you can say he xxxpired.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

Knock knock.

Who's there? It's the Grim Reaper.

Grim Reaper who?

The Grim Reaper who is about to come in your house, smoke some weed, drink some Grim Reaper liquor, and then get drunk.