Death jokes
Who are the world's fastest readers?
9/11 victims. 100 stories in 11 seconds.
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.
"Wheel" all miss him, right?
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What does a bar fly and a necrophiliac have in common?
They both enjoy a cold one once in a while.
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
How does the dog dance?
He doesn't... he's dead.
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
How do you spell racecar backwards?
racecar
How do you spell racecar sideways?
Paul Walker's death.
Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
What do you call a kid laying down in the classroom? Kill confirmed.
What do you call three kids laying down in the classroom? Kill streak.