Death jokes

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

I heard this was a really popular funeral home. People are dying to get in.

POV: You're an orphan.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not your mom.

What do you call an orphan's parents?

Dead meat.

What is the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? One sticks to the roof of your mouth, while the other one doesn't!

A man and a boy were walking through a dark forest. The boy said, “I’m scared.” The man said, “Why are you scared? I’m the one who’s going to leave these woods alone.”

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

Kobe got irl canceled.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!

Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

What's the difference between three dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't own a Ferrari.

Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!

Why did Sally drop her ice cream?

Because she got hit by a bus.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?

Neither do ever grow old.

I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Man: But I’m not dead yet.

Doctor: Are we there yet?