Death jokes
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
What does a bar fly and a necrophiliac have in common?
They both enjoy a cold one once in a while.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
How does the dog dance?
He doesn't... he's dead.
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
How do you spell racecar backwards?
racecar
How do you spell racecar sideways?
Paul Walker's death.
What's bigger than Kurt Cobain's head?
What do you mean? He doesn't have one.
Why did the suicidal person cross the road?
To slow down traffic!
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
I thought about learning skydiving without having to afford gear. But the highest place I got is my apartment window.
Q: Mummy, how do most stars die?
A: From an overdose.
Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.
I have a joke about suicide, but I’ll just let it hang.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
What do you call a kid laying down in the classroom? Kill confirmed.
What do you call three kids laying down in the classroom? Kill streak.
What's the difference between three dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't own a Ferrari.