What do you call a man off the ground?
Hanged.
Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?
What's a suicidal person's favorite game?
Hangman.
How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?
They never get old.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
Fatty and Skinny were in a bed.
Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.
Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.
What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree.
The person: "Only the last thing left to hang!"
He grabs a noose.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
if a toy from Toy Story died, the kid wouldn't know, and the other toys would just have to watch as their kid played with the corpse.
Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.
Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!
Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.
I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."
Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.
My friend has a dry sense of humor.
Probably because her body was decomposed ages ago.
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
