Death jokes

Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

Where did Sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said, "Go away, you won’t bring it back."

A suicide bomber's biggest fear is dying alone.

You wanna know why I love trains?

They end my suffering.

Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.

What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?

Hookers come back.

I like my people how I like my tea...

In a bag under water.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?

A: Wanna hang out?