Death jokes

Harry Potter is now Harry Orphan.

What falls quicker off a tree? The leaf or the emo?

The leaf, because the emo is stopped by the rope.

Are you dead? Because you look like my dog.

Q. Who do you call when a baby with anencephaly is born? A. The funeral home.

Where are your parents? Oh, behind you? Not any more.

One day I seen a little boy walking in the grocery store, so I asked if he was okay, and he said yes. I asked where his parents were, and he said his mom died years ago and his dad is stuck in the milk aisle.

— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?

— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.

How do you make an emo jump?

A bridge.

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.

Why did my parents walk to the other side?

...Why?

One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life.

My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

How do pigs kill themselves?

They commit Kermit-cide.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

Do you know how to make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'

A guy says to his dog, "Where are you?" The dog was actually dead, bro.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw 'em.

Stephen Hawking died because his screw fell out.