Death jokes

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

Ah yes, cremation. My last chance of having a smokin' hot body.

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?

Because he’s dead.

You idiot.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

How did the dead baby cross the road?

It was strapped to the chicken.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?

I don't care if she has either.

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

Go commit neck rope.

Why did little Billy drop his ice cream cone?

Because he got hit by a bus.

What did a cannibal have as his last meal?

Five guys.

How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”

Where did Johnny go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

What is a suicide pack's favorite song?...

Let the bodies hit the floor.

Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.