Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
Because he’s dead.
You idiot.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
How did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.
Go commit neck rope.
What did a cannibal have as his last meal?
Five guys.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he died.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream cone?
Because he got hit by a bus.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...
Where did Johnny go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”
Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.
So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!
When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.
