Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
Why is it that when women decide to kill an unborn baby, it's a "CHOICE," but when I decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids, it's called "MURDER"!
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
What's the best way to cure the hiccups? Suicide.
Why were 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9. Then why was 10 afraid? Because it was between 9/11.
What do you think was going through the heads of the 9/11 victims on floor 43? Floor 44 💀💀
I like my humor like my people. Well done.
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
If you kill an emo, Is it an assist kill?
A fat man meets a skinny man.
The fat man tells the skinny man: "When people look at you, they think the world's starving to death."
And the skinny man responds: "When they look at you, they know why."
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
The wall behind him.
If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?
Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.
Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
What is worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies.
What's worse than that? The one at the bottom is still alive.
What is worse still? It has to eat its way out.
What's worse than that? It went back for seconds.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"
Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
