Death jokes
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?
They both died with red rings.
(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)
What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?
The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.
Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
Because he’s dead.
You idiot.
Why did the family move away?
Because they lost their son.
How do you make an orphan shut up?
You tell his mom.
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
What do you call a gay kid that killed himself?
A byebyesexual.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of dead babies.
What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.
What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.
A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"
What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?
His life insurance...
How can you tell when a female became a rape victim? She crossed herself out, hanging by with a Carlton dry.
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It doesn't matter, he's dead.
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.
A pun walked into a room and killed ten people. Pun in, ten dead.
I put the fun in funeral.
One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He rolled away and his charger unplugged.