Death jokes
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I tried to start a music career, but it crashed harder than Paul Walker.
I usually tell jokes about Kobe, but they usually crash and burn.
Why can’t Helen Keller have kids?
Answer: She’s dead.
My ex died today.
I also lost my job as a butcher.
What's stiff and 6 inches long?
SIDS.
What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?
The cat is still alive.
What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?
Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.
What does the Bible stand for?
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
What is Beethoven doing right now?
Nothing, because he is dead.
What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
Why is Stephen Hawking in hell?
He couldn't get his wheelchair up the stairway to heaven.
What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a red Ferrari?
I don't have the Ferrari.
"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
Someone dies.
What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?
At least you don’t die when you shower.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?
She thought her grandma was trying to flex.
Why can't Juice WRLD hit rock bottom?
Because he's too high.