Death jokes

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?

Friend: Sure.

Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.

Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?

Me: Aren't you my son?

Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.

An emo and a leaf fall out of a tree. Which hits the ground first? The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.

I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

Everybody misses Xxxtentacion, but the bullet didn't...

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

I wanted to solve teen suicide, so I shot up a middle school.

An old Indian was buried on the side of a hill. What did he say?

Nothing, he was dead.

Dead.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the walls.

What did the suicidal leprechaun say?

"Irish I was dead."

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.

What do you call a person with cancer?

A ghost with a body.