Death jokes
What's the difference between apples and dead babies?
I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
What's funny about dead baby jokes? - They never get old.
What's better than throwing dead babes?
Catching them after with a pitchfork.
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.
What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing...
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
What’s made of wood and is zig zag shaped?
Stephen Hawking's coffin.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”
How to kill a blond: put a scratch & sniff in a pool.
Me: Cobain!
Friend: No, dude, it's Kobe.
Me: Why? Cobain didn't miss his last shot.
Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.
What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?
The first is easier to bury.
These jokes are nearly as dead as Steven Hawkings.
Why did Paul Walker drown?
Because he was too busy carpooling.
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
A suicidal boy went up to a tree and said "hi".
The tree never responded; it left him hanging.
What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Yea, they found her “head and shoulders“ on the backseat of her car.
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.