Death jokes

What's black, gold, and red all over?

Tupac in Vegas.

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.

Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

Me: Cobain!

Friend: No, dude, it's Kobe.

Me: Why? Cobain didn't miss his last shot.

Why can't dinosaurs talk?

Because they are all dead.

I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.

What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.

A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."

What's red and screams when you shake it?

A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

I wish I could kill my family, but you realize you're an orphan.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

He's not dead, his batteries have run out.

One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.

Where are the others?

They're in his freezer.

What's the difference between apples and dead babies?

I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

What's funny about dead baby jokes? - They never get old.

What's better than throwing dead babes?

Catching them after with a pitchfork.

I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.