Death Jokes

What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?

The first is easier to bury.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!

Your mother is so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven when she died. jaja ur momma dead.

If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.

When you see your hater die:

Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."

Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

How many children can you fit in a box?

Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.

For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.

Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.

Why does a leaf fall faster than an emo kid? Because the emo hangs itself.

If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.