Death jokes

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

I have some sad news. The Australian inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. RIP 😔

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"What? But I’m not dead yet!"

"And we’re not there yet."

At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.

Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."

I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.

Why can't dinosaurs talk?

Because they are all dead.

What's red and screams when you shake it?

A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

I wish I could kill my family, but you realize you're an orphan.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

He's not dead, his batteries have run out.

What's the difference between apples and dead babies?

I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

What's funny about dead baby jokes? - They never get old.

What's better than throwing dead babes?

Catching them after with a pitchfork.

I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.