Death jokes
My grandma always loved to craft clothing. She dyed last week.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He traveled too far from the outlet.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 9 because my basement is still dark.
I ate my mom.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
What do you tell a dead metal fan?
Rust in peace.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.
If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Sad to think about legend O.G. Mudbone being no longer with us.
I’m only curious how they closed his casket.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To get to the other side (suicide).
Why did the second hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate.
Why do people misplace 9/11 with emo kids? They both have a high death count.
I'd tell a necrophilia joke, but they've been done to death.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Which way is quicker to die? Noose or slitting my throat?
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
Stephen Hawking died due to the BIOS update. He shut down because the power cable got chewed.