Death jokes
So put your best face on everybody, pretend you know this song everybody.
*pulls out noose* "COME HANG!"
*pulls out gun* Let's go out with a bang... Bang- *gunshot*
What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?
Chocolate drops.
Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
What’s a 9/11 victim’s least favorite song?
Drowning Pool - Bodies.
What's yellow and can't float?
A school bus full of children.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
What sound did Stephen Hawking make when he died? Power off.
What kind of punch hurts a kid the most?
A sandy hook.
What's worse than one dead baby in a trash can?
One dead baby in ten trash cans.
I asked an orphan where his parents were. Then I remembered, they're gone.
I’ll never forget my grandpa's last words to me...
“Are you still holding the ladder??”
What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.
All you need is a razor blade in life.
JACK smoked some shit in the casino bathroom.
Then fucked a slut, played some slots, took some shots, then shot a JOKER!
It's a sad story, because JACK killed himself, but he died with a smile.
Why am I happy? I'm dead.
How many Sallys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, she was electrocuted.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."
A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion. After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma. After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?
What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?
The cat is still alive.
What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?
Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.