Death jokes
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
What's even funnier than throwing a baby off a building?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What do classical musicians do when they die?
They decompose.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!