Death jokes
What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?
At least you don’t die when you shower.
My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."
"If all of these structures break we will all die."
And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"
And he said, "It would be breaking news."
What's 10 inches and makes women scream?
Cot death!
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
His Windows update wasn't available.
How did I kill Georgee?
I snatched her boat! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!
What's the difference between a skeleton and a baby? I don't set the skeleton on fire.
What hood do zombies come from?
Dead Ends.
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
What's black, white, and red?
A nun that fell down an elevator shaft.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.
We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.