Death jokes
How does the dog dance?
He doesn't... he's dead.
Stephen Hawking is ALIVE!
Go commit neck rope.
What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?
I don't eat the fruit.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Bully: You're gonna die.
Me: Hurry up then.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
'Cause she didn't wear a seatbelt.
Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
How do you make a plumber cry?
Kill his whole family.
What's white, red, and screams a lot?
A baby in a blender.
Why couldn’t little Susie stay on the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Susie.
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".
But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.