Death jokes
What did the first skeleton say to the second skeleton?
You know what should give up and stay dead?
Fortnite.
Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.
The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.
Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."
Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.
Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.
What's the difference between cancer and me?
My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.
The cat ran across the road when the car swerved. It killed a bear that killed a dog that killed a squirrel that killed a nut. The cat survived it all. The cat killed the squirrel and the bear with the car...
The cat still died, why?
It had a Catastrophic Catcident.
Why did the orphan run into the street? To get to the other side of life.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He ran out of battery life.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
What do you do with a dead chemist?
You Ni-tro-gen!
Why did Steward die in the toilet?
He saw his Undercut in the mirror.
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies?
I don’t put fruit in a blender.
How do you die from Alzheimer's? You forget how to breathe.
How did Stephen Hawking die? His wife needed to charge her iPhone.
What's worse than 1000 dead babies hanging off a tree?
1 dead baby hanging off 1000 trees.
I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.
Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."