Death jokes
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He got hit!
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"
I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."
What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?
Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.
Why did Ten die?
It was between 9/11.
What do you sing on a dead person's birthday?
"Happy Death-Day To You!"
How to kill a blond: put a scratch & sniff in a pool.
There was a dude, he was like, "Yo dawg, you wanna die?" I said, "What is this, Friday the 13th?"
I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"
Stephen Hawking died because he lost Wi-Fi connection.
There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.
Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."
My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone pulled his ethernet cable (he died of a blue screen)!
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
What's worse than finding one dead baby in a bin? Finding one dead baby in five bins.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
because skeletons aren't alive and can't move, so it's impossible for him to cross the road.
Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?
Sanity to live: I don't know?
Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!
Sanity to live? *dies*
Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.
Sanity to live: *resurrected*
Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...
(sponsored by jumping bridges)