Death jokes
Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
What did Cermet the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing...
When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, and she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commander's) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you!"
They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Stephen Hawking didn't die, he just uploaded himself to the 'net...
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
102, if you have some alive ones.
How do make an adult cry?
Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.
I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.
And into a children's birthday party.