The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.
How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?
They never get old.
Wanna hear some famous last words?
"We are just experiencing some turbulence."
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Stephen Hawking is not dead; he just needs to charge.
Aj died in a bar.
The end.
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world?
Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck if my computer crashes.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.
While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."
So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"
Why did Kayla go to the river when she was sad?
To drown herself.
What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.
If you overdose on Viagra, do you die... hard?
What were Brian Cant's last words before he died?
"I used to do it, but now I cant!"
What do you call a zombie?
Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.
