Death jokes
A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.
Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
What's the difference between Madlen Makan and Stephen Hawking?
Nothing, they're both dead.
Did you know that lots of graves are put in churchyards?
Yeah, they're pretty holey.
“Wills”
Are they a dead giveaway!
Iron Man dies.
Q: What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?
A: A Lamborghini isn't a very fun hobby.
My marriage was on the rocks, so I buried my wife under some.
Q: What's the difference between a grandma fetish and necrophilia?
A: A few weeks.
What happened when the 400+ women ate a slice of cake?
She died the next weekend.
Why is the Reaper not funny at all?
Well, he tells dead jokes!
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."
How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.
Person 1: Why did you put the baby feet first into the blender?
Person 2: To see his facial expression. Why else?
Going in a military.
The last thing I heard from them is: "Goodbye!"
The only reason he died was because Virgin Media wifi crashed.
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
What instrument can a skeleton never play?
An organ.