Death jokes

Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

Person 1: Why did you put the baby feet first into the blender?

Person 2: To see his facial expression. Why else?

Going in a military.

The last thing I heard from them is: "Goodbye!"

The only reason he died was because Virgin Media wifi crashed.

There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?

The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!

What instrument can a skeleton never play?

An organ.

If you had a friend like me, would you kill me?

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "What, no soap?" Then he dies and she marries the barber.

If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.

You also can't breathe if you die.

So why isn't it debreathiation?

OMG guys, I finally did it. I made a head slicey boy. I have headless.

I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

What's the last thing that went through John F Kennedy's head?

A bullet.

I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.

I’ll never forget my grandpa's last words to me...

“Are you still holding the ladder??”

Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday...

Your grandma is pretty old; she'll die soon.

People need to stop taking life so seriously. After all, no one gets out alive!