Death jokes
My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.
What's a zig zag and made of wood?
Stephen's coffin.
No one:
Literally no one:
Abraham Lincoln: *dies*
John Wilkes Booth: *ranks up*
Why couldn't the T-rex clap his hands?
Because he's dead.
Stephen Hawking died because he tried downloading a free version of Windows 10.
Go Kermit, toaster bath.
What's the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?
About 5000 calories.
Did you know pigeons die after sex?
At least when I fucked it.
What is killing your friend called?
A homie-side.
Me: I fucked your mom.
Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.
What do you call a deaf child?
-Ryan Simmonite-
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."
Two husbands walk into a bar.
The first one says, "My wife is an angel."
The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
What room does a ghost not want to be in?
The living room.
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
My dog died.
I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.
Son: Where's grandma?
How many dead babies does it take to clean my refrigerator?.....it gotta be more than 4 because the fridge is still dirty.
What do you call skeletons having sex?
When the relationship is dead, but you're still fucking.
SPOILER ALERT...
I was going to tell you a joke about Thanos, but T. S. snapped it away!