Death jokes
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"
Me: Cobain!
Friend: No, dude, it's Kobe.
Me: Why? Cobain didn't miss his last shot.
What did the beachgoers in North Carolina say when there was a tsunami?
Nothing, they died.
What’s the difference between a pile of corpses and a Mclaren P1?
I don’t have a garage.
A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.
Scientist time travels into the year 2024.
Scientist: So, what happened with the storming of Area 51?
Pedestrian: Oh, you mean The 51 Massacre?
A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.
Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
What's the difference between Madlen Makan and Stephen Hawking?
Nothing, they're both dead.
Did you know that lots of graves are put in churchyards?
Yeah, they're pretty holey.
“Wills”
Are they a dead giveaway!
Iron Man dies.
Q: What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?
A: A Lamborghini isn't a very fun hobby.
My marriage was on the rocks, so I buried my wife under some.
Q: What's the difference between a grandma fetish and necrophilia?
A: A few weeks.
What happened when the 400+ women ate a slice of cake?
She died the next weekend.
Why is the Reaper not funny at all?
Well, he tells dead jokes!
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.