Death jokes
My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.
Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?
Everywhere.
What fell out of the tree first, the apple or the emo?
The apple, the emo was caught by the rope.
An apple and an emo kid fell from a tree, which one hit the ground?
The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.
What falls quicker off a tree? The leaf or the emo?
The leaf, because the emo is stopped by the rope.
Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"
Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"
Boy: "What do you mean?"
Friend and me: "We can show you."
Me: "I will tie the rope."
Friend: "I will push the chair."
Why did Paul Walker die? Because he crashed a car into a tree.
I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.
My life is so meaningless that I committed a crime just to get shot. 0-0
This is not a joke; this is just about death...
What did COVID say to the American?
Nothing, it just took its breath away...
What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?
I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.
When the school shooter runs out of ammo: K a l m.
When he grabs a full mag: P a n i k.
When he looks back and doesn't see you, but you're hiding in one of the classrooms: K a l m.
When the autistic kid's Sketchers light up: P A N I K.
Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.
Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?
Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!
Are you a toaster, because I want to have a bath with you.
Remember the big forehead kid who said, "Give me a knife, I'm going to kill myself" because of being bullied?
His head was too big to even exist, and that's why he's dead.
What does an abortion joke and a fetus have in common... The joke never gets old, and neither does the kid.