Death jokes

Why did Texas freeze to death? Because they're retarded.

What has two legs, two arms, one dead and covered in red?

My ex-wife.

Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.

I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?

..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

Why didn't Donald Trump pick up his phone when Jeffrey Epstein called him?

Because Donald killed Jeffrey Epstein in prison to hide the evidence.

What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?

Do you want to hang later?

Did you know that if you die you can still be a part of family game night!

All you have to do is have your family cremate you and put you in an hour glass, and the games that use hour glasses, well, you will be a part of family game night.

20 years later

Johnny: Hey dad.

Dad: Yea?

Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!

Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.

Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.

Dad:...

How are an emo kid and a hanging child the same?

Depends on who's hanging.

I got jealous when my phone died.

A noose, a knife, a gun, and a razor blade look at a child who committed suicide after being bullied.

Everyone looked at the noose. The noose would say, "What? It wasn't my fault!"

What's big, black, and touches children?

Harambe.

What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?

A 24 killstreak!

I asked the emo at my school if he got jealous when his phone died.

A bullet is like an arrow.

Nothing can stop it from going through your head.

"Uh daddy harder," the orphan said. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a daddy.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!