Whenever you're mad, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Where did Sarah go after the bombing?
Everywhere. 💀
A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
What do you call a bunch of depressed kids with AK47s? Suicide squad.😂😂😂
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
This is not even a joke, it's a serious question... Is eating ass considered cannibalism?
My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."
I wasn't planning on going on a run, but those cops showed up out of nowhere.
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.
"Are you getting the knife?"
"the floor is lava!"
- everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.
What is an Iraqi kid's favorite game?
Minesweeper.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
What's the difference between apples and orphans?
Apples get picked.
NASA just found evidence of water on Mars, Mars 1, Africa 0
Q: Do you know why black people have nightmares?
A: Because we shot the last one who had a dream.
