Dark Humor

My fish can break dance. Only for 20 seconds and only once.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!

What is a reversed exorcism?

It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.

What do you call an emo kid at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

NASA just found evidence of water on Mars. Mars 1, Africa 0.

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.

Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?

Children scream when they melt.

what is it called when an illegal immigrant is getting raped?

alien vs predator

Q: Do you know why black people have nightmares?

A: Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike.