Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:
Oh you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?
God You’re having a good day? Me yes beats burning in hell
What the difference between normal sex and anal sex ?
One makes your whole day and one makes your hole weak
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day unfortunately it ended me in hospital tho icu
Teach a scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.
Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys !
My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.
It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silluoette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.
One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
one day a teacher says:"what does a pig give us?" a student says:"bacon!" the teacher says:"good! now, what does a chicken give us?" a student says:"eggs!" the teacher says:"good! now, what does a fat cow give us?" a student says:"homework!" the whole class laughs
A bully says "I get 10x more girls than you" to a gay kid. Then the gay kid days 10 X 0 is still 0.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”
The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
orphans have 263 days on a calendar because they dont have mothers or fathers day.
i try and try every day.. but 5 keep comibg out theres so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
2001/9/11 that day was fire
