Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year Because they don't have father's & mother's days
I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day The last entry was about 12 years old
How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash? about nine months and a day
you're dad is so fucking fat that when he bends over and comes back up its the next day
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
Why was the dog so stressed out?
It had a ruff day.
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."
There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.
When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.
She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"
54 students died that day.
The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.
Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!
Hey guys, I haven't been on in like freaking forever! Sorry. Anyways, I love you, Emerald! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I hope you're on!
Love you all. Hope you all have a nice day, Best regards, Koko, <3
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."
I was walking down the street one day, and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and everything was half off. I didn’t know back-to-school sales had started already!
One day I was saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, “Yeah, what gave me away?” I said, “His parents.”
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
You're walking one day and a little kid, about 5-6 years old, comes up to you asking, "What's a condom?" You have to give that child the wrong answer, what would you tell them? Comment on what you would tell them.
