Dais jokes

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.

Why should a feminist never join the United Auto Workers, UAW?

Because the only thing that a feminist would do in the United Auto Workers, UAW is lick pussy all day in the woman's restroom.

A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.

One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

BlessedBrian must have been born on April Fools’ Day... because he’s a joke every day of the year.

What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex?

One makes your whole day and one makes your hole weak.

Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.

Man's friend: Same.

Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.

Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.

Man: Oh great heavens!

My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.

It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

God, you’re having a good day?

Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.

Teach a Scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.

Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys!

Quote Of The Day: Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Love you guys, and hope today was amazing!

Peace out! <3