Dais jokes

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?

A period.

Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.

Man's friend: Same.

Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.

Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.

Man: Oh great heavens!

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

Why should a feminist never join the United Auto Workers, UAW?

Because the only thing that a feminist would do in the United Auto Workers, UAW is lick pussy all day in the woman's restroom.

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

A bully says, "I get 10x more girls than you" to a gay kid.

Then the gay kid says, "10 X 0 is still 0."

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.

One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"

I was sitting in traffic the other day.

Probably why I got run over.

Why [does] a tranny say "Have a good day" to a Jew?

He [is a] goy.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.

Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?

Because they don't have father's and mother's days.

I went to jail because I gave the orphan kid a calendar with 363 days.

(I deleted Mother's Day and Father's Day.)

Five more days.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.