Dais jokes

The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day.

He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation.

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

What is Labor Day? That’s when mommies have their babes.

Why do orphans not like July 24th??

Because it's Parents Day.

Thomas Jefferson’s 80th b-day bash be like:

Jackson: "CALHOUN! YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME - IN BED WITH THE CONSTITUTION??"

Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?

They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

Hi, oooo was the day I was a kid. I was going home to school today after dinner!

Nothing lasts long these days!

As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"

My uncle got really badly burned the other day.

They don't fuck around at the crematorium.

What day should you drink water?

Thursday, Thirstday!

What is shark's favorite day?

Chewsday.

What month has 28 days?

All of them.

If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?

What is 14 inches long and starts with D?

A Dookie From GREEN DAY

Attention! Has anyone noticed that Watersharky and Kitten are dating? It's strange because they haven't said anything for 28 DAYS!!! They been keeping it a secret...(I guess). Someone needs to keep track of this. GOD, I just thought further into life with their relationship. DON'T DO THAT.

Daughter: So, I got my period.

Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

At night time, in Africa, it's known as the darkest country. Till this day, I still wonder why.

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...