Dais jokes

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

What day should you drink water?

Thursday, Thirstday!

My uncle got really badly burned the other day.

They don't fuck around at the crematorium.

What is shark's favorite day?

Chewsday.

Nothing lasts long these days!

As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"

Hi, oooo was the day I was a kid. I was going home to school today after dinner!

If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?

What month has 28 days?

All of them.

What is 14 inches long and starts with D?

A Dookie From GREEN DAY

Attention! Has anyone noticed that Watersharky and Kitten are dating? It's strange because they haven't said anything for 28 DAYS!!! They been keeping it a secret...(I guess). Someone needs to keep track of this. GOD, I just thought further into life with their relationship. DON'T DO THAT.

Daughter: So, I got my period.

Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.

I needn't have bothered.

The next day, it was smeared all over my face.

The two brothers were sitting next to each other. They played with planes all day long. They got too violent, and now their sister (World Trade Center) stands there. The brothers were put up for adoption, and the planes were given back to their owners.

Why are there only 363 days for orphans?

Because they don't have Mothers' and Fathers' Day.

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...

Good Morning! Have a Great Day!

#Ijustwokeup

Kiss a girl on the forehead make her happy for a day.

If you give her anal you'll make her whole weak.

Why are there only 363 days in an orphaned year?

Because they don’t have a father's or Mother’s Day.