Dad Jokes

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Son: Dad, am I adopted?

Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

The image shows three pictures of Dwayne Johnson. In the first he has his fist clenched and is labeled "Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson", in the second he holds his hand out and is labeled "Dwayne 'The Paper' Johnson", and in the third he makes a peace sign with his fingers and is labeled "Dwayne 'The Scissors' Johnson."

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

What's the difference between a snow woman and snow man?

Snowballs.

Why can't bugs drive... because they don't have a LICE-ens...

BA-DUM CHHH!

A kid asks his father, "How long is our trip, Dad?"

The kid's father says, "Our trip is a Fortnite."

A kid came from school. His mother said, "What did you do in school?" The boy replied, "I had sex with my teacher." She said, "OH MY GOD, GO TO YOUR ROOM, WAIT UNTIL YOUR DAD COMES!" He waited, then his dad walked in and said, "Your mother told me what you did. I'm proud of you, son. Let's go buy you a bicycle." When they arrived to the store, the dad said, "Try out and see which seat is the comfortable." The boy said, "I can't, my butt is sore." Dad said, "Why is your butt sore?" The Boy said, "Because I had sex with my teacher."

Dark humor is like a dad - not everyone gets it.

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an airplane landing strip? Don't know, neither did my dad.

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

Rape jokes are like your dad's dick. You don't want it but you still get it anyway.

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."