Dad jokes

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

Why did Billy fall off his bike?

Because his dad threw a chair at him.

People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

How do you know your sister’s on her period? Your dad's cock tastes funny.

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."

Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."

What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?

Nemo was eventually found.

I started crying when my dad cut up onions.

Onions was such a good hamster.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.

Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.

Dad: What did you learn in school today?

Timmy: Not enough, I guess, 'cause I gotta go back tomorrow.

I think one of my dads might be gay.

What is an orphan's dad's job?

A magician because he makes himself disappear.