Dad jokes

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

What's the difference between a snow woman and snow man?

Snowballs.

My dad is like my depression, you need a suicide letter to find him.

Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

So, Dad is teaching his 8-year-old son about the planets and said, "This is Uranus." Then the 5-year-old son says, "Where is my anus?"

Teacher: "You can't be here after school without a parent!"

Orphan: -no response-

A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."

The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"

The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."

Guys, my sister's pregnant!

I'm finally a dad!

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

Someone should start a vaping company with the slogan: "Vapes that hit harder than your dad." Sales would skyrocket.

We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.