Dad jokes

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

Dad: "Exactly, son."

Teacher: "You can't be here after school without a parent!"

Orphan: -no response-

I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

A: He only comes once a year.

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."

Kid: What is between mom's legs?

Dad: Paradise.

Kid: What's between your legs?

Dad: The key to paradise.

Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."

My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?

Daddy.

A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."

The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"

The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."

Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.