Cut jokes

First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"

HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"

Inside a room full of squares, buckets, and tints, there are two inspectors. One is called Mr. Right, the other one is called Mr. Wrong. Because of their names, the first one is trusted more than the second one.

Mr. Wrong eventually got tired of that and worked on a plan for how more people could trust him. He took a jigsaw and he started to cut into his brain and sawed away half of his brain. It was still working.

Then he took a loaf of toast, cut it into half and glued it on his head, and then he made a strawberry cream and sprayed it on the toast. Because people couldn't recognize him as "Mr. Wrong," he was able to solve more cases.

What's one thing you should never ask a suicidal person? "Are you okay?" because the next day they'll either be dead or have a lot more cuts than they started with.

To those who are dead now, was it fun?

Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.

Emo people are like other emo people, they're emo. Laugh now or I'll cut your eyes out. Tee hee!

What is 8 divided by 2?

Answer: 3 (you cut 8 in half).

What does an emo kid and pizza have in common?...... The pizza doesn’t cut itself.

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

Jesus was being hung up on the cross, and me and all the other people at the bottom of the hill were watching. Jesus cries out,

"Peter, Peter come to me!"

So I climb up the hill on my hands and knees, and when I reach the top, the Romans cut off my arms and chuck me back down the hill.

"Peter, Peter come to me!" cries Jesus once more. I stumble up the hill, then the Romans cut my legs off and threw me back down. For the third time, Jesus cries,

"Peter, Peter come to me!". So I wriggle up the hill, and I guess the Romans pitied me and let me through.

"Look Peter, I can see my house from here!"

Did you hear about the emo kid who auditioned for the school play?

He made the cut.

My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He had a power cut.

What's the difference between a watermelon and an orphan?

One you cut into 2 with a knife.

And the watermelon you cut into pieces.

Why did Jesus not win any Stanley Cups? Because he was cut from the team because he kept being pinned to the boards.

Guys, I guess with all these storms there was a power cut in his house.

Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?

A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.

Why are all the emos banned from Six Flags?

Because they keep cutting in line.

Hairline got cut by a broken teacup.

What do 2 emo kids say to each other?

"I like ya cut, G."

*Slaps wrist*

"Aww, it's a boy, let me cut off the ombelicul cored, sir, that's his penis!"

"It's a girl."