Crime jokes

What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?

At least you don’t die when you shower.

What do a priest and a pedo have in common?

Nothing, they both like kids.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Are you Jeffrey Dahmer? Because I'd love you to eat me.

WAIT! I remember how the joke goes! These two cannibals are hanging out eating lunch, which is a clown, you see, 'cause they're cannibals and one cannibal says to the other cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?"

When I was a little boy, I had this dream. I was eating a giant marshmallow.

When I woke, I was being sexually abused.

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

Joe Biden was once president, but he got arrested because he got caught fingering a minor.

If raping someone is sexual harassment, then is raping a rapist inverted harassment?

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?

A: They drive slow through school zones.

Why do a pedophile love Halloween?

Free delivery.

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

What do you call an otter video game that is about robbing?-

Grand Theft Otter!

I stepped on a cornflake. They accused me of being a serial killer.

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?