Crime jokes

Are you Jeffrey Dahmer? Because I'd love you to eat me.

Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.

Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.

If raping someone is sexual harassment, then is raping a rapist inverted harassment?

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

WAIT! I remember how the joke goes! These two cannibals are hanging out eating lunch, which is a clown, you see, 'cause they're cannibals and one cannibal says to the other cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?"

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?

I stepped on a cornflake. They accused me of being a serial killer.

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

Why do a pedophile love Halloween?

Free delivery.

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.

How do pedophiles follow the law?

They drive it slow in the school zone.