Crime jokes

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.

Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.

If raping someone is sexual harassment, then is raping a rapist inverted harassment?

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Are you Jeffrey Dahmer? Because I'd love you to eat me.

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

WAIT! I remember how the joke goes! These two cannibals are hanging out eating lunch, which is a clown, you see, 'cause they're cannibals and one cannibal says to the other cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?"

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...

When I was a little boy, I had this dream. I was eating a giant marshmallow.

When I woke, I was being sexually abused.

Joe Biden was once president, but he got arrested because he got caught fingering a minor.

"Whole November month, sniper lessons available in Dallas U.S.?"

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?

Why do a pedophile love Halloween?

Free delivery.

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

What do you call an otter video game that is about robbing?-

Grand Theft Otter!

Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?

A: They drive slow through school zones.

What has eight legs and doesn’t rape children?

The Jackson 4.