Crime jokes

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?

I stepped on a cornflake. They accused me of being a serial killer.

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.

When I was a little boy, I had this dream. I was eating a giant marshmallow.

When I woke, I was being sexually abused.

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.

How do pedophiles follow the law?

They drive it slow in the school zone.

Why does a penis taste like octopus 🐙?

Stupid question 😒 🙄 even the catholic church ⛪ 🙏 knows that one.

If you’re gonna have a gangbang, make it extreme!

Alien vs Predator.

Cosby vs E.T.

Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?

He's a small medium at large.

Do you know why I hate pedophiles?

They are fucking immature kids!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

'Cause 7 was a 6 offender.

One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.

Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

I’d make a rape joke, but I don't wanna force that on you too.

What does a pedophile call an orphanage?

A supermarket.

Why do orphans like stealing things?

They wanted to have company.