Crime jokes

I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!

Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.

Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.

Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?

Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!

What do Miss Reeves and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have a touchy feeling for kids.

How do you make an 8 year old girl cry twice?

Wipe your bloody cock off on her favorite teddy bear.

I raped a disabled child.

I think she's too far gone to repair now.

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 murdered 37 children and 41 adults during the ages of 31-35 years old.

She was then sentenced to a 35 year sentence (Colombian stuff) and came out 70 years old. She then continued to go on a spree and murder 41 more people, in 2 months. 3 years later, 6 stabbed 7 as they were friends. 6 was not sentenced, but deemed a hero. He never forgets that moment. Her soul not floating above, but screaming from the torture it's receiving.

I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.

Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(

I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."

Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!

If you see a woman get raped, just walk away. Don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all.

What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!

Here is a dark joke for you guys... "Why do pornstars scream, "DADDY!" in their videos? Because they were child molested by their father!"

Among Us players after saying "Self Report!" to the police officers who find a dead body in their basement.

Why did Michael Jackson go to the movies? He saw there was minor nudity.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

I kidnapped an orphan. What are they going to do? Cry for mom?

My name is Dan, I wear white Vans, I have a gun, get in the van!