Crime jokes
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you’re 13 to come on your face.
A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”
What happened to the woman who dated a rapist?
She was date raped.
What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?
He can't drink and drive.
Roses are red, my name is Dan...
TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
Here is a dark joke for you guys... "Why do pornstars scream, "DADDY!" in their videos? Because they were child molested by their father!"
Why is a white guy in prison scarier than a black guy in prison?
The white guy actually did it.
I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.
A man had 10 dead and bloody babies in the middle of his living room. The police suddenly knocked on his door. What is the hardest thing to hide?
- A boner.
Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?
A. An ambulance.
Gwen: Hi sir, how are you?
Tj: Good... you?
Gwen: I am super duper good! And where is your date? It seems like you need one 😉!
Tj: 😏.
Gwen: Here, this is your guest hall pass...you may...come in my friend!
Tj: Thanks but um, don't you think you should be um getting inside too?
Gwen: 🙁 No thanks sir but I have to work...I am the staff so bye! 😁.
Tj: NO!!!!!!
1 day later.
Gwen: 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤰🤰🤰👩👧👦
High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?
Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.
High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.
Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.
High school crush: Who is it?
Me: You.
Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)
Me: Fuck that.
What's the same about boxes and children?
They're both found in basements.
People who torture others for making bad puns should be severely punished.
What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
Cheater, cheater, woman beater!
What's worse than 5 babies in a dumpster?
5 dumpsters in a baby.
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.