Crime jokes
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
Space therapist in between the e and the r.
The rapists!
Imagine this... you're a lesbian, and you're doing it with your cannibal girlfriend. You say, "Eat me, baby!"
She pulls out a knife and fork.
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
It may be weird to let people smell your hair, but grab the phone as soon as the dwarf says your hair smells nice.
I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a ladder the other day and I thought, huh, that's a little con-descending.
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
What do you call an ass that’s a DETECTIVE?
An undercover pooper.
Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.
What do you do when an orphan gets you mad?
A stab to the neck and a bullet to the face.
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.
What is orange and will soon be wearing prison orange? Trump.
What’s the difference between Jesus and the toddler in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.
Stop hating on pedophiles. At least they're good babysitters.
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
I stole one's balls.
What do you call a virgin kid locked in a room with a pedophile? Past tense.